This guest post is by Megan Pitner, a young woman on the autism spectrum who was diagnosed with ASD at age 13 and has been accepted into Stephan F. Austin State University. Megan is applying for the Spring 2023 Making a Difference Autism Scholarship via the nonprofit KFM Making a Difference started by me, Kerry Magro. I was nonverbal till 2.5 and diagnosed with autism at 4 and you can read more about my organization here. Autistics on Autism: Stories You Need to Hear About What Helped Them While Growing Up and Pursuing Their Dreams, our nonprofit’s new book, will be released on March 29, 2022 on Amazon here for our community to enjoy featuring the stories of 100 autistic adults.
Breathe. In. Out. And when that doesn’t work, think calm thoughts. Picture yourself in the forest, surrounded by trees and nature and not a soul in sight. And just like that, you are there. Settle yourself at the base of a tree and write:
“11/25: And thus everything falls apart. I’m having a breakdown; identity crisis, depression, and all… my brother slipped a letter under my door that read, “…I thought: ‘she doesn’t know how much it hurts to be left behind, feel alone, and be ignored by someone you love, let’s even the odds.'”
But I do know. And I’m sorry, so sorry that I’m doing it to him.
And you wonder why your little brother can’t leave you alone when you need him to; more importantly, why you do not let him in. He is autistic, just like you, so why does he thrive on socialization when it absolutely decimates you? Why can’t you tell him what’s on your heart? Why can you write things so much better than you can say them?
“…I know you want to, but you can’t, you can’t help me, I’m losing myself and no one can find me now. I hate that I’m doing this to you. Sweet boy, I’m so so sorry and it isn’t fair, it isn’t fair that I’m like this but I can’t pull myself back and I won’t let anyone else get close enough to try. I wish I could fix it on my own, that I was strong enough, that I didn’t need my medicine or help because I should be strong enough, strong enough to do it on my own.
“I’m doing all these other things, I have a job, I can drive, but I can’t heal my shattered, messed-up mind. My shattered, messed-up self.”
And then you can’t help but go back and remember how all this started, when your lifelong best friend left you seven years ago because you didn’t fit into her perfect little community. You can’t help but remember how you couldn’t make any new friends, despite your efforts. You can’t help but remember how desperately you tried to fit in at middle-school theater, and how miserably you failed. Because you were meant to be another fresh-faced girl, caught up in boys and gossip and hot new TV shows, but you liked to read instead. You acted because it was a relief to slip into another character, brave and outgoing, so different from you. You acted because in doing so, you wrote a book you could live in.
You faded into the shadows backstage until it was your cue. In the sacred theater circle, when everyone wound up sharing how positively theater had impacted their life, you stayed silent, longing to say that no, it wasn’t the cure-all for social outcasts, and no, you didn’t even fit in there, that place of wondrous acceptance.
You continued theater in high school because no matter how excluded you felt, you loved the stage. And maybe, if you were lucky, your character would have a best friend or a suitor, and you could pretend for a moment that someone loved you in that way.
Soon enough, you discovered that you didn’t have what it took for the high school acting world. You had raw talent beneath your fear, but that didn’t land you a part in a single play. Inadvertently, no matter how impartial your kind theater director tried to be, the parts went to the extraverted, exuberant ones. You gave up senior year when you realized you would never make it, and even if you could, theater only accepted those that came in their shade of strange. And you were anything but.
Gymnastics is hardly a community at all, so under this tree, it feels like you have nothing.
Rest assured, Megan-from-the-past. It’s about to get much worse.
Your brother’s outbursts will increase in magnitude. You will total your car in a moment of panic. You will meet a teacher that doesn’t consider your altered way of thinking and makes you feel like autism is a shameful secret. You will notice that eye contact begins to slip away and cannot be recovered, no matter how hard you try. You will get a concussion and lose gymnastics. In a few short months, you will write:
1/13: I don’t know how much more we can take.
1/25: He threatened to kill another child today.
2/6: Once again, I am fighting slumber. Once again, I have no real reason.
2/13: I thought I was done with irrational fears…
2/22: … I’m scared I wonder what he will turn into what could I turn into… and what are we going to do I can’t I can’t I can’t it’s too much…
3/14: I think I’m broken. I don’t want to be around people anymore. Not even my family. Especially my family.
3/21: Do you ever feel like you could snap at any moment? Burst out of the effects of your calming medicine and burn the world down?
You will not burn the world down. You will fight the fear and anger and anxiety, just as you have done countless days in the past. Just as your brothers and sisters in the autistic community have done countless years in the past. You will finally let the storm inside you dissipate and go free. You will finally talk to a counselor. And a few days later, in calm blue ink, you will write:
3/30: I’m okay.
And yeah, that isn’t going to last forever. Nothing can. But I am letting you know that there is still hope. You will relapse again and again, but a perennial returns each spring, as long as you are willing to let it grow. So let it grow. Let flowers twine around the word “Asperger’s” and remind you that it is beautiful. Let their petals soften your heart and make you brave.
Follow my journey on Facebook, my Facebook Fan Page, Tiktok, Youtube & Instagram.
My name is Kerry Magro, a professional speaker and best-selling author who is also on the autism spectrum. I started the nonprofit KFM Making a Difference in 2011 to help students with autism receive scholarship aid to pursue post-secondary education. Help support me so I can continue to help students with autism go to college by making a tax-deductible donation to our nonprofit here.
Autistics on Autism: Stories You Need to Hear About What Helped Them While Growing Up and Pursuing Their Dreams was released on March 29, 2022 on Amazon here for our community to enjoy featuring the stories of 100 autistic adults. 100% of the proceeds from this book will go back to our nonprofit to support initiatives like our autism scholarship program. In addition, this autistic adult’s essay you just read will be featured in a future volume of this book as we plan on making this into a series of books on autistic adults.
