This guest post is by Marjani Edwards, a young woman on the autism spectrum who was diagnosed with Asperger’s at age 17 and has been accepted into Northern Virginia Community College. Marjani is applying for the Spring 2022 Making a Difference Autism Scholarship via the nonprofit KFM Making a Difference started by me, Kerry Magro. I was nonverbal till 2.5 and diagnosed with autism at 4 and you can read more about my organization here. Autistics on Autism: Stories You Need to Hear About What Helped Them While Growing Up and Pursuing Their Dreams, our nonprofit’s new book, will be released on March 29, 2022 on Amazon here for our community to enjoy featuring the stories of 100 autistic adults.
The first time I remember feeling “different” was at age nine in fifth grade. I had climbed to the very top of the jungle gym, the highest point of the playground. From there, I could see all the other kids laughing and playing together. It seemed everyone had someone to talk too, to spend recess with, except for me. I remember thinking “Why is that so easy for everyone else? What’s so different about me that I can’t make friends like everyone else?” I would receive my answer about 8 years later. I am Marjani Edwards, and I am autistic.
We spent 2 full hours at the dining table together, my mom and I. We stared at the computer screen explaining my life story to a basic stranger. As we spoke, every “different” thing about me began to unfold before my eyes. At the end of the evaluation, the doctor had already decided, definitively and without a doubt.
“Yeah, she’s autistic.”
That was the end of the session, but it was the start of everything for me. Suddenly all of my behaviors and oddities started to make sense. Those times in preschool where I would get in trouble for speaking out of turn but never understood why. My continued preference towards books and art as opposed to running and playing. My long-standing and intense fixation on Pokémon. My unwillingness to make eye contact with even those I knew. Things that didn’t make sense and had always confused those around me began to fit together like pieces of my puzzle.
“But you don’t look autistic.”
Almost every woman with autism has heard it before. If I’m not autistic, what were those two long hours for? More than that, what were those 17 years of confusion for? I suppose the first instinct is to compare me to the neurotypical’s mental image of an autistic person. Usually, a white boy who speaks little to not at all. Maybe he’s in a wheelchair and he never stops flapping his arms. Compare this to me, a small black girl who appears to walk and talk just fine. On top of that, I’m good at looking like I’m making eye contact and suppressing the hand-flapping, foot-kicking, and body-rocking. I’m good at what we call “masking”. Good at looking like I’m handling things the same way everyone else does, but that does not make me any less autistic. He and I are just different sides of the same wonderfully warped coin.
Autism can look like anything or anyone. From the girl who keeps shouting out answers without raising her hand, to the boy who cries and hits his head when his lunch is wrong. The woman who plans each day to the minute, to the man with ever-increasing model train collection. It can look like you and it definitely looks like me. My autism makes me special. It makes me who I am. I’m smart, I’m centered, and I’m empathetic. I have come a long way from the girl on the jungle gym peering out over all the others, but now I don’t question my differences anymore. My autism doesn’t define me, but it does make me who I am.
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My name is Kerry Magro, a professional speaker and best-selling author who is also on the autism spectrum that started the nonprofit KFM Making a Difference in 2011 to help students with autism receive scholarship aid to pursue post-secondary education. Help support me so I can continue to help students with autism go to college by making a tax-deductible donation to our nonprofit here.
Autistics on Autism: Stories You Need to Hear About What Helped Them While Growing Up and Pursuing Their Dreams, will be released on March 29, 2022 on Amazon here for our community to enjoy featuring the stories of 100 autistic adults. 100% of the proceeds from this book will go back to our nonprofit to support initiatives like our autism scholarship program. In addition, this autistic adult’s essay you just read will be featured in a future volume of this book as we plan on making this into a series of books on autistic adults.
