This guest post is by Portia Bowman, a young woman on the autism spectrum who was diagnosed with ASD at age 17 and has been accepted into Cornell College. Portia is applying for the Spring 2022 Making a Difference Autism Scholarship via the nonprofit KFM Making a Difference started by me, Kerry Magro. I was nonverbal till 2.5 and diagnosed with autism at 4 and you can read more about my organization here. Autistics on Autism: Stories You Need to Hear About What Helped Them While Growing Up and Pursuing Their Dreams, our nonprofit’s new book, will be released on March 29, 2022 on Amazon here for our community to enjoy featuring the stories of 100 autistic adults.
My academic growth has always been undermined by others.
“It’s okay, you can’t tell!” A reassurance I have heard throughout my life when I tell people I’m not neurotypical. Not my fashion sense, tangled hair, or the paint stains on my clothes, but myself. The ‘comfort’ targeted my brain.
I’ve always known there was something off about myself growing up. Running around the room imagining scenarios of adventure, hope, dragons, and the unbelievable. Being unable to maintain eye contact. Squirming in my seat at the sound of a pencil with wood covering the lead. Talking about sharks until my parents’ heads hit their hands in resignation that the conversation would not be over soon. A bright, young girl with the promise of sophisticated intellect moving up in school and passing classes with ease. Perseverance was my pool, and I am Narcissus.
Then came the transition to new schools. The overwhelming feeling of pain as I explore the halls of the gigantic school full of teachers who don’t seem to care. Panic.
The summer brought questionnaires and interviews from my physician about “how I’ve been feeling” and “what troubles me”. My parents informed my doctor I was faking it, and that the years of terrible thoughts and differences that I hid behind a facade were that, fake. Nothing could be unacceptable with their perfect daughter.
Yet my sadness did not fit in with the general definition. My traits and symptoms were not altogether under a single diagnosis. Curiosity killed the cat and to the library I went. What’s the worst thing I could find out about myself? I’m a high schooler; I can only do so much.
Turns out I can figure much with scholarly articles and Venn diagrams, color-coded, of course. Mustering up the courage in the kitchen of my fathers’ house, two days before my seventeenth birthday, I knew what I wanted for my birthday. And boy was my dad surprised. “That’s not something a normal person gets, hun’. You’re not crazy. It’s not like you see people that aren’t there. You don’t need it”. A psychiatric evaluation of one’s mental health is an odd gift. But something is wrong with me; we both know I don’t live up to societal expectations of a normal teenager’s mental health and trends.
Dread fills my stomach typing this. This will be a positive thing. I try to assure myself; you want to know why you are the way you are. I can’t help but feel distant and hollow. How will my parents react, my school, my friends? For all I can write when no one is looking, I go silent, teeth clenched together when they are around. Stop, I tell myself. This is what everyone else wants you to think, that being different is abnormal and from someone I know, “against god!”.
However their thoughts hurt me, I will not let myself stoop to their level. To think the same as those who hurt me.
To my parents it will be nothing. To myself, Dr. Kelly, and Dr. Morton, I am neurodivergent. Autistic. I’ll never fully be happy with myself. The belittlement ruined that. But the knowledge that I am not broken, but different, provides a sense of relief that encloses me as my weighted blanket does. This summer has taught me that my differences are not some cloud. I am not a freak, but a young girl like any other looking for her place in the world. I am a high schooler and can only do so much, but I have figured out that two people close to me could not fill me with accomplishment and pride.
Perseverance on this journey was my pool, and I was Narcissus. But unlike him I will continue on with my journey. Leaving my reflection with satisfaction that I did get the object of my desire. I will flourish. Finding my voice.
Follow my journey on Facebook, my Facebook Fan Page, Tiktok, Youtube & Instagram,
My name is Kerry Magro, a professional speaker and best-selling author who is also on the autism spectrum that started the nonprofit KFM Making a Difference in 2011 to help students with autism receive scholarship aid to pursue post-secondary education. Help support me so I can continue to help students with autism go to college by making a tax-deductible donation to our nonprofit here.
Autistics on Autism: Stories You Need to Hear About What Helped Them While Growing Up and Pursuing Their Dreams, will be released on March 29, 2022 on Amazon here for our community to enjoy featuring the stories of 100 autistic adults. 100% of the proceeds from this book will go back to our nonprofit to support initiatives like our autism scholarship program. In addition, this autistic adult’s essay you just read will be featured in a future volume of this book as we plan on making this into a series of books on autistic adults.
