Noises, Feelings, How People Don’t Understand

Autism has affected me more than I realized; the older I get, the more behind in life I feel. As a child, I faced immense bullying to the point where I stopped going to school. This behaviour was strange for me at the time because I’ve always had a burning passion for school. However, the people making fun of me overpowered the joy I felt in the classroom, so my motivation dwindled. I was made fun of for things that I couldn’t control whether it be my lack of understanding of people’s emotions, the inability to talk to new people or, most notably, my extreme sensory problems.

I’ve never been able to understand a person‘s face. You could tell me something, and I would totally believe you, even if it was the most blatant lie that’s ever been told. This has led many people to perceive me as gullible and as an easy victim for making fun of me to my face. Middle school was one of the worst times of my life. People would lie to me about being friends with me just because they thought it was funny. They pretend to call me pretty and then go back to their friends and laugh. They would come up to me in groups, and start yelling at me for reasons that I didn’t understand at the time. I thought something was wrong with me. But, I didn’t have a diagnosis to prove anything. I just thought I was a weird messed up kid that didn’t deserve any friends.

Talking to new people is one of my least favourite things to do, or at least it was. I was not born with this skill. Usually as a kid I would only talk to people about new facts that I learned from my grandpa or from Bill Nye the Science Guy, on YouTube. I never really got into small talk. When I go into the hospital to carry out my volunteer work, I find myself talking about science or the patients’ favourite things to learn about. These conversations have helped me immeasurably because as a child, I never got to have conversations like this with anyone. As a child, no one gave me a second thought as I was too annoying for them to deal with. I found that I enjoy talking to new people, as long as there is material to talk about. After my diagnosis I learned something about myself, I am not weird or out of place, I am just myself. I am glad to have the ability to express myself without the fear of judgement.

If I had to pinpoint anything that led to my struggles as an adolescent I would say that it is ultimately overstimulation which has led me to my toughest days. Feels like I’m trapped in a plastic bag and I’m struggling to breathe. Everything around me is overly exaggerated, two points where I can’t even focus on one thing. One of the most memorable times or experiences was back in middle school. This was before I had a diagnosis with anything and was just a confused preteen who is constantly judged and misunderstood by those around her. I was eating my lunch already stressed about something I cannot remember anymore, and a kid from my class took my lunch bag and threw it in the garbage. Usually, this was just an everyday thing for me. I would obviously be upset, but I wouldn’t react the way I did. I stood up and ran out of the classroom, crying as the lights from above stabbed into my eyes, the air was dry and moist at the same time. My clothes on my body felt tight and uncomfortable, tears and emotions swarmed into my eyes, but I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t call out for help. I hid in the bathroom that smelled like piss and sewage. I didn’t understand why I reacted the way I had; all I knew was that I was sitting in the bathroom, rocking back-and-forth, clawing at the skin on my body. My classmates were in the hallways and in the bathroom, knocking on the stalls and laughing at me. I wanted to scream and disappear into the toilet. I sat there silently shaking, grabbing my hands together, trying to find something to hold onto. I felt like a part of me disappeared in that moment, and my body was trying to speak to me through my feelings. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t anxious. I don’t know how I felt. There wasn’t really any emotion attached to it. It was more the sensation that I felt in my body rather than in my head. This is why I think it’s so hard to explain overstimulation to somebody who doesn’t experience it. It’s not any direct emotion. It’s an experience that can lead people to fall over the edge.

Ultimately, my extreme anxiety and past experience with bullying took a major toll on my confidence and mental well-being. With support from my parents, and professional guidance I was able to move on from the trauma and learned that happiness can only come from within. I also learned how valuable inclusion is. As I’ve grown, I’ve made it my mission to include others and guide people through hard times. For the last few years, I’ve worked at a summer camp as a high ropes instructor and cabin leader and had the opportunity to teach many young girls about self-confidence. I made it my goal to see each of them grow in self-esteem. confidence and experience pure happiness. If I had never lost my confidence as a child, I would never have found a way to truly regain it. I want others to grow as I did, without the traumatic experiences I had.