This guest essay is by Robert Finn McGowan. I am an avid distance runner interested in pursuing a career in medicine and research. I love to dance and play video games with my little brother. And when there is time I love to play Dungeons and Dragons.
When I started at Moms Day Out I didn't like being there very much. Every day when it was pick up time I would hide under the table until my Mom got there. She usually had to climb under there with me while carrying my little brother and talk me out. The teacher pulled my mom to the side one day and told her, I think your son is on the spectrum. I know because my daughter is too and he is just like her. Before I started pre school my parents were concerned because they said I never answered things correctly. If they asked how old are you? I would say circle and if they asked How are you, I would say blue. After my diagnoses I was immediately enrolled in a Special Education program at the local school district. They also started me in speech therapy as well as an ABA program. The next three years were a mess and a blur. I had the most amazing teacher the first two years. She always believed in me. Even though I liked to escape and drive away in the crazy coupe car whenever they let us go outside. While I was going to the preschool Special Education program, my parents went into research mode. My mom shared a poem with me a few years back about going to Holland. I remember her in tears and reading it to me and then not really understanding why she was crying. But her telling me a story about when she was little and how she didn't get the supports and help at school when she was growing up undiagnosed. How she wasn't going to let anything stop me from reaching my goals and dreams. And then something about I could go to Italy if I wanted to.
I was released from my individual education plan in Fourth grade. My parents were devastated but assured that the 504 was all I needed to be successful in school. My mom still fought for every accommodation and researched every tool and program that could benefit me. She got very involved with the district advisory council and then spent the next several years making sure the teachers I had knew about the programs the district had access to but strangely never informed the teachers about them. She said every year at the meetings they would remove my Autism diagnosis from my paperwork and every year she made them put it back on. Don't mess with my mom when it comes to my diagnosis.
Middle school was a blur, COVID hit and we didn't come back from spring break. This is when my mom made my brother and I start running at the local park. Seventh grade I learned at home, but they let us participate in sports. So, I started my new sport of cross country running. That changed everything for me. I was never one for sports. But I really love running. It gave me a place to be quiet. Safe. Confident. And my parents kept telling me that I was pretty darn good at it.
When I got to high school I found my new course load exciting. I joined the cross country team. Things seemed to be falling into place. Now I still struggle with feeling the feels. Because my responses are always normal I still have trouble making friends and being included in things. I think this bothers my parents more than it does me. My mom is always telling me that my autism isn't an excuse or an obstacle but something that makes me….me. Unique and strong and gives me a different perspective that may be an asset, a positive. She reminds me that I am not alone either. SHe is also on the spectrum, and she often shares her stories growing up and how she was always told she was stupid, or weird, or strange. How embracing our differences give us power and strength and how we deserve to be here just like everyone else. There are some days where I feel that. I get what she is trying to express. But other days it is hard. But I am grateful that I have parents that get that I am not like everyone else. Like my mom says why would you want that!! That I have a place and that I get to follow my path and become whoever or whatever I want. I am very nervous about going off to college. I will be about six hours from home. My mom keeps telling me that I need learn how to make new friends or at least acquaintances to make memories or have people to study with. The other thing I really struggle with is remembering people's names. So she is always sending me information on how to talk to people I don't know. Growing up with Autism has had its good things and its bad things. But I need to remember it is what makes me who I am. My brain is wired differently and that makes me unique, special, and more than anything else….me.
This essay was submitted to the KFM Making a Difference scholarship program, founded by Dr. Kerry Magro to support autistic students pursuing postsecondary education. Publication does not announce a scholarship award.
