This guest essay is by Neev Pandey. I'm Neev, a high school Senior admitted into a four-year college degree. In college I intend to explore my interests and future career path. As someone with autism, I am constantly learning to navigate challenges with resilience and determination, shaping who I am today.
I was born with autism. Since infancy I have had severely delayed developmental milestones. I was in an early childhood development program and was formally diagnosed at the age of 8. I've always felt like I was living in a different world than how others perceived and interacted with. I seem to operate on a different frequency than others and most people do not realize the mammoth effort I need to make to just fit in. This world hits me differently. It is louder, faster, and often comes with hurdles that stay invisible to everyone else. One of the biggest obstacles that I face are my fine motor skills. During schoolwork, I look at my peers while they are taking notes, cutting and folding the craft paper neatly, drawing pictures and I can barely manage zig zagged cut papers, crumpled notes with illegible handwriting. Many tasks like organizing a binder, doing homework, building school projects take an exhausting amount of focus. There have been many days in school where I felt defeated, wondering why I have to work twice as hard as anyone else to just stay at the starting line. I still remember the intense meltdowns I had as a kid just because a routine changed and then I would find myself feeling guilty for giving my parents such a hard time when my day would feel off or harder than the other days. Even now I sometimes find myself hiding by acting normal around my neurotypical friends because I don't want to stand out. My peers often tell me that my communication style is annoying because I tend to send ten short texts instead of one long message or I take a joke too seriously. When new experiences pile up, my senses just hit a wall. It's like starting all over again and trying to actively find a new routine, to adjust to the new experience which can be a difficult time for me. All of these experiences are very common for a person on the autism spectrum yet at some point they are misunderstood and even overlooked by neurotypical people. I have heard a lot of neurotypical people saying ‘oh everyone is somewhere on the spectrum’ or ‘ we all have our strengths and challenges’. While I always like to tell myself that they don't have enough information on autism, it hurts me that they see these struggles as minor or something that everyone experiences. For me every day requires a huge level of perseverance and self awareness and when I fall off that discipline, everything starts to crumble and I cannot keep up with my daily life.
Since my disability doesn't show in how I look, not only my struggles are often overlooked but the casual conversations in my community on academic rigor, following traditional paths of careers, and having huge expectations has been a source of pressure and anxiety. Not too distant in the past, there was not much awareness of Autism in my community and it was considered something people could control or this just being a phase. I always found myself feeling like ‘Ferdinand: the Bull’ (one of my favorite childhood books by Munro Leaf), wanting to be left alone but instead faced judgment, pressures and bullying. The taboos around mental disabilities made the environment closed to even talk about my struggles. I could not say freely that I did not want to be someone who stood out in the world, that I just wanted to be Ferdinand!
Despite these challenges, with the help of the support system around me (IEP, occupational therapy, following structure), I have learned ways that can modify the environment around me and these strategies continue to shape who I am. Living with autism has given me a different perspective on the world. I notice details that some might not and while social interaction still is challenging for me, I am learning how I don’t need to change who I am to belong. The path to fully accepting and becoming who I am now hasn’t been exactly a straight line but I can say that I am a different person than who I was a couple years ago. Actively showing acceptance, dedication and hardwork, my point of view of autism is a lot different than what I started with. Instead of feeling like a victim, I have started seeing myself as differently abled who is going to explore this world and realize my full potential. Yes, it will always present me with challenges but through patience and persistence I will overcome obstacles. I may be like Leo: the Late Bloomer, but I am surely on the path to blossom.
This essay was submitted to the KFM Making a Difference scholarship program, founded by Dr. Kerry Magro to support autistic students pursuing postsecondary education. Publication does not announce a scholarship award.
