This guest essay is by Lindsey Oguntuase, a student at Columbus State Community College who aspires to become a certified public accountant specializing in cybersecurity and insurance.
Names of other students have been omitted for privacy.
In September 2023, during my first year of undergraduate studies, I began living with two roommates after we connected through My Ohio Roomie. Moving into this shared living arrangement was my first experience living with people who were not family members, and I approached it with a mix of excitement and uncertainty. At the beginning, our relationship felt generally positive and stable. We were polite to one another, shared basic greetings, and maintained a comfortable enough environment in the room. However, as the weeks progressed, I began to notice subtle changes in our interactions that made the living situation more complicated and emotionally confusing for me.
Over time, I started observing what I interpreted as passive-aggressive behavior from my roommates. One of the most noticeable patterns was that they would often spend several nights away from our shared room without communicating much about it. When they were present, there were also instances where they would not respond when I asked questions or attempted to engage in casual conversation. These experiences created a sense of uncertainty for me, as I struggled to understand whether I had done something wrong or whether there was an unspoken issue affecting our dynamic.
As an autistic person, interpreting nonverbal communication, indirect language, and subtle social cues is particularly challenging for me. I tend to rely on direct communication in order to understand other people’s expectations and emotional states. Because of this, unspoken “roommate etiquette” was not immediately intuitive to me. I often did not realize when certain behaviors might be disruptive or uncomfortable for others unless they were explicitly stated. This gap in communication made it difficult for me to fully understand the underlying reasons for the distance and passive behavior I was perceiving from my roommates.
As the situation continued, I eventually decided that it would be better to address the dynamic directly rather than continue to speculate or feel anxious about it. I initiated a conversation in the group chat, asking my roommates for clarity about how they were feeling and whether there were any concerns they wanted to discuss. This step was not easy for me, as I was unsure how they would respond and I was worried about potentially making the situation worse. However, I felt that direct communication was necessary in order to improve our shared living environment.
Initially, there was hesitation in their responses. After a short period of silence, I received a detailed message in the group chat where they listed several concerns about our living situation. They expressed that they felt I had been inconsiderate at times and that certain behaviors had made it difficult for them to feel comfortable in the shared space. One example they provided was that I would sometimes change clothing in front of them without asking if they were comfortable with that. Another concern they raised was that I occasionally played music out loud while they were trying to study or focus, which they felt disrupted their ability to concentrate.
Hearing this feedback was difficult at first. My immediate emotional response included surprise and discomfort, because I had not intended to be inconsiderate or disruptive. However, after taking time to reflect on what they shared, I began to understand their perspective more clearly. I realized that even if my actions were not meant to be disrespectful, they were still impacting the people I was living with in ways I had not fully considered. This was an important learning moment for me, as it highlighted the difference between intention and impact in shared living environments.
In order to better process the situation and gain additional guidance, I reached out to upperclassmen involved in the LINKS program. I explained the situation to them in detail, including both my perspective and the concerns my roommates had raised. They were very helpful in breaking down the issues in a structured and constructive way. Rather than focusing on blame, they helped me understand why my roommates’ feelings were valid within the context of a shared living space, where boundaries, noise levels, and privacy all play important roles in maintaining comfort and respect among roommates.
Their support helped me see the situation more clearly and reduced some of the confusion I had been feeling. They emphasized the importance of clear and proactive communication, especially in environments where people have different expectations and communication styles. They also reinforced the idea that mutual respect in shared spaces often requires explicitly discussing boundaries rather than assuming that everyone has the same understanding of them.
Looking back on this experience, I recognize that it was a significant learning opportunity for me both socially and personally. It helped me understand the importance of expressing expectations directly and checking in regularly with roommates to ensure that everyone feels comfortable. It also taught me that feedback, even when difficult to hear, can be valuable when approached with openness rather than defensiveness. Moving forward, I aim to apply these lessons in future living situations by prioritizing clear communication, asking clarifying questions when needed, and being more mindful of how my actions may affect others in shared environments.
This essay was submitted to the KFM Making a Difference scholarship program, founded by Dr. Kerry Magro to support autistic students pursuing postsecondary education. Publication does not announce a scholarship award.
